On history.

[Steve was talking about how the US’s natural enemy switched from the Nazis to the Soviet Union after World War II, and then I mentioned something about the nuclear stockpiles/deterrent.]

[Affects a serious look.]

Ahhhhh, the Cold War. Yes.

On being excited for puberty.

DAD. I want to show you something!

Ok, give me your hand. Now curl your fingers inward to make a vagina.

[Produces tampon.]

Now, what you do is push it in, and then press the plunger – like this.

[Successfully propels tampon into hand-vagina.]

On blue.

This little dog has a lovely cyan collar.

On posterity.

You know, Mum, it wouldn’t be too bad to die* because then I would go down in history as a hero who fought valiantly. Just like Coriolanus, but with more zombies and skeletons.

*In Minecraft.

On Hamlets.

Mum, Benedict Cumberbatch is officially my Number 2 Hamlet. He was quite good.

On stuffies.

Mum, you know what?

What’s up, kid?

I wish I had a Kenneth Branagh stuffed animal. You know, just to squeeze.

On parental supervision.

MUM. I’ve been trying to surprise you every morning, but you keep noticing me.

YOU REALLY NEED TO BE A LITTLE LESS ATTENTIVE.