On history.

[Steve was talking about how the US’s natural enemy switched from the Nazis to the Soviet Union after World War II, and then I mentioned something about the nuclear stockpiles/deterrent.]

[Affects a serious look.]

Ahhhhh, the Cold War. Yes.

On being excited for puberty.

DAD. I want to show you something!

Ok, give me your hand. Now curl your fingers inward to make a vagina.

[Produces tampon.]

Now, what you do is push it in, and then press the plunger – like this.

[Successfully propels tampon into hand-vagina.]

On blue.

This little dog has a lovely cyan collar.

On posterity.

You know, Mum, it wouldn’t be too bad to die* because then I would go down in history as a hero who fought valiantly. Just like Coriolanus, but with more zombies and skeletons.

*In Minecraft.

On Hamlets.

Mum, Benedict Cumberbatch is officially my Number 2 Hamlet. He was quite good.

On stuffies.

Mum, you know what?

What’s up, kid?

I wish I had a Kenneth Branagh stuffed animal. You know, just to squeeze.

On parental supervision.

MUM. I’ve been trying to surprise you every morning, but you keep noticing me.