Category Archives: With Dad

On a sunny vacation.

Dear Dad,

I will miss you so much. I will take lots of pictures and come home with perfectly preserved skin.


On the work undone.

[It’s time to turn out the lights after bedtime reading. Allie sits up in her sleep and mumbles…]

I’ve been working on it… I’ve been working on it…

I know, buddy. you can rest now.

On being excited for puberty.

DAD. I want to show you something!

Ok, give me your hand. Now curl your fingers inward to make a vagina.

[Produces tampon.]

Now, what you do is push it in, and then press the plunger – like this.

[Successfully propels tampon into hand-vagina.]

On becoming the Red Auerbach of rodent roundball.

[Cal and her Dad are riding the bus at the end of the day. It stops next to a Scotiabank. She groggily looks at the sign.]

That appears to be two squirrels fighting over a basketball.

You’re right. it certainly does. It’s actually a bank.

That’s too bad. I think squirrel basketball would be much more interesting.

On why there should be gun control. And dessert.

Dad, what’s a ‘duel’?

It’s when two people disagree about something and decide to settle their argument by fighting.

Like, wrestling?

No. usually they use daggers or pistols.



That’s silly. Why would people want to do that?

I dunno, kiddo.

They could just go for coffee and talk! Or have ice cream!

That’s a good idea.

Why shoot people with guns when you can have ice cream with them instead?

On the best game you can name.

[We are driving home from Mississauga, in possession of a box of hockey cards from Steve’s youth. They are neatly filed in binder-sized plastic sheets.]

Daddy. May I see one of those?

Sure – here you go! [He passes a sheet back – there is a pause.]

Are these players still playing?

No – these are all from when I was collecting as a kid.

Where did you find the cards, originally?

They sold them at convenience stores, mostly. I would get some whenever I had enough money.


[I think I know where she’s heading with this. I interject.]

Are you thinking you’d like to start your own collection?

Yes. [A beat.] I love hockey. [Another beat.] It’s the best game EVER!

On thermodynamics.

[Pascale is on her way home from school with her Dad. It is a cold night. She throws her arms around him and squeezes.]

Aw, thanks for the hug, buddy.

That was not a hug.

Oh, what are you doing, then?

I am stealing your heat.

Hah! That’s funny.

You are waaaaaarm. [She releases him.]

And now, you are cold.