Category Archives: Shakespeare

On multi-tasking.

I’m going to the bathroom to read my sonnet.

On Jeremy Irons.

[Upon discovering some casting details for Batman vs. Superman…]

But Jeremy Irons was Henry IV – WHAT is he doing in a DC movie?

On posterity.

You know, Mum, it wouldn’t be too bad to die* because then I would go down in history as a hero who fought valiantly. Just like Coriolanus, but with more zombies and skeletons.

*In Minecraft.

On Hamlets.

Mum, Benedict Cumberbatch is officially my Number 2 Hamlet. He was quite good.

On stuffies.

Mum, you know what?

What’s up, kid?

I wish I had a Kenneth Branagh stuffed animal. You know, just to squeeze.

On new friends.

I made a new friend at camp today.

Oh, cool!

She’s from France. Which is lucky, really.

How so?

I’m very interested in the history of France, with a particular emphasis on the Battle of Agincourt.

True.

Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to know much about that.

On an argument between two gentlemen.

[The assignment was to write a rhyming poem using Shakespearean insults and language.]

Shakespearean Insult Poem

Thou beef-witted, beetleheaded bugbear,
Thou canst not have her, she is so fair.

Nay, thou rough-hewn, dizzy-eyed, half-faced cloakbag of guts,
I am the swain for her, I shall wield mine sword and give thee cuts!

Fie, I am the better sword-fighter, thou art just a puny loser –
Thou beslubbering barnacle, thou shalt truly lose her.

Pish! Thou canst not fool me; I have seen thee in action.
But thou art cowardly, it is I with the true passion.

Hark! Here comes the lady…

Ye slimy dog-hearted louts! You darest yell in front of my door?
You are bumptious. And you are craven. And I… require more.