Category Archives: Life

On revelations.

You know what, Mum? I feel like I’ve been so focused on the potential for walking the dog with our neighbour that I’ve been letting the days pass by without enjoying them properly.

[Becomes deadly serious.]

MY LIFE WAS SLIPPING AWAY AND I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE.

Which is particularly bad, because I don’t think she really even meant it when she offered.

On truth.

Fools aren’t born… They’re made.

On the harsh realities.

The world just really isn’t set up for people like our family.

On What The Hell?

[Allie has been blasting Adele’s “21” on repeat. She pauses and comes into the office.]

You know, the lyrics to these songs don’t sound like an actual adult. They are more dramatic and immature – kind of like a teenager. I mean, I still like it, but…

On utilitarianism.

Hey, bean. Can I take this plate downstairs when I go?

Sure – and thanks!

Did you want me to leave this last apple slice for you?

Nah. [A pause]

It’s been in my ear.

On patience.

Mummy. Just as a matter of interest, when will you be finished your work?

On body-image.

[We are walking past a series of shop windows. We pass a bathing suit shop with a display of mannequins in bikinis in provocative poses.]

Show-offs.

Pardon? Sorry, kid, did you just say something? It was very quiet.

It wasn’t very nice – never mind.

Did you just say, “Show-offs?”

Yes. [Shifts uncomfortably.]

What made you say that?

The mannequins back there. They are standing in the most ridiculous way – as if they are better than us – which they ARE NOT. They’re so slender, they wouldn’t even have room for their organs if they were real.

That is a very interesting observation.

I mean, honestly. Human bodies have 78 organs – and those mannequins would have nowhere to put them all.

On ice-cream politics.

[We are driving home from school and we pass the boys’ school, where in fine weather there is always an ice cream truck parked outside.]

It’s not fair the ice cream truck is only ever parked by the boys’ school. I think the driver must think that girls bodies are too delicate for ice cream.

That’s interesting – can you tell me more about your theory?

Sure. I think he’s worried that ice cream would ruin the girls’ figures. But obviously, that is stupid. Ice cream has the same rule for both boys AND girls – you should only have it sometimes!

[Pause]

Sooooooo, the truck should actually park outside the girls’ school 50% of the time. That would be more fair.

 

On reproductive technology.

So, mummy. There are all sorts of families. We have a Mum and a Dad and a kid. But families with two mums – or two dads…

Yes?

Well, they’d need to borrow an egg or a sperm to get their babies going, right?

That is true. 

But the 2 dads – they would need more than an egg – they would need to borrow a whole woman to grow the fetus, right?

Yes – that is called a surrogate.

Oh, that is good. It is also a good thing that it all works this way.

Why is that?

Well, if you didn’t need both the egg and the sperm, babies would have to just start growing – you know, spontaneously.

[Pause]

And that would be bad.

On generations.

Mummy. I wish I was alive 30 years ago.

Oh! Really, why is that?

Because then everything would have been different.

[Pause]

You would have been a kid and then I could have been your friend. You know, I think I could have used a friend like you – I think we would have been best friends.

I agree. What an interesting perspective – I had never thought of that before.

Really? I think about that all the time.

On Romeo and Juliet.

That is so sad. And so wonderful.

On Alan Rickman.

Mummy. The actor who plays Professor Snape – is he really that nasty in real life?

Ha, no – I think he’s probably a really nice person – and a terrific actor.

He’s very, very convincing. [A pause] Is he always the villain in movies?

Sometimes, but in Sense & Sensibility, he plays Colonel Brandon, the most honourable man in the story.

Tell me about Colonel Brandon? Tell me the story…

[I do]

[Heaves a big sigh] Mummy, that sounds like such a great story. I know you said you would read these books to me when I’m older… but can we read this one first?

On honesty.

Sometimes I don’t listen in swimming class.

Oh? What causes that?

Sometimes… I am intrigued by my own thoughts.

 

On responsibility.

Mummy. Can you come and close the door to my room when you get the chance?

Um, dude – why don’t you do it when you go back in?

Well, this was the whole reason I came out in the first place – because you forgot to do that when you left. We take responsibility for our actions in this house.

On human-cyborg relations.

[Pascale is in the bathroom. She has been there rather a long time.]

Hey bean, you ok in there?

Yeeesss. I’m thinking in here.

Oh! Good thoughts?

Sort of. I am thinking about how I can make this play date with J. extra special.

Sounds cool!

Yes. I am thinking about how to handle potential conflicts. I think I will do better than I did with B.: I got really upset a few times when she wanted to destroy my projects.

Ah, yes, that was a pretty tough day. 

But I have a new plan: I am going to suggest compromises a lot more than I did before.

On life lessons.

OK! New plan! It seems struggling a bit feels better than getting help!

On her first NHL game.

[Gramps leans over and asks…]

Are you having a good time?

I’m sitting here with my favourite people and a bag of popcorn, watching the hockey game… OBVIOUSLY I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE!

On mathematics.

[We are messing around with math and Pascale is counting up hundreds, tens, and ones in various numbers. You know, for fun.]

That’s seven hundreds, five tens and nine ones.

Nice! Here, try this one… [I write 1312]

Uh mum, that’s one thousand, three hundreds, one ten and 2 ones. [A pregnant pause]

I really cannot be fooled.

On pretend play.

Mummy! [Pascale comes out into the hall, brandishing a sheet of bubble wrap.]

I am doing neurosurgery! I am dissecting the tumours from this brain. See?

Oh, neato. Can you show me the tumour?

Oh, yes. But you have to pretend. A cancer tumour in the brain would be black, and this is clear.

Would you like to colour it in?

YES! [Grabs a Sharpie, and colours some blobs. Then, there is a minute or two of silence while she cuts out the cancer and lays it carefully aside.]

The cancer is really spreading! It has METASTASIZED. I just found three hundred million cancer cells!

Now I need a bucket.

 

 

On simple requests.

Who will help me with this tremendous knot??