Author Archives: jellybean

On book options.

Mum, I couldn’t find The Fellowship of the Ring, may I read some P.G. Wodehouse instead?

On riddles

There are no words in the dictionary spelled incorrectly… Except, “incorrectly!”

On sleep-talking.

[I come in to turn out the light after bedtime reading. Allie sits bolt upright as I remove the book from her clutches.]

MARK WATNEY!

[Falls back asleep.]

images

On a sunny vacation.

Dear Dad,

I will miss you so much. I will take lots of pictures and come home with perfectly preserved skin.

Love,
Allie

On major compliments.

[Allie is looking at a photo of me from my punk rock days.]

Whoa. You look nice. Who are you, Cherie Currie?

bca1db245f75a8033b70816732f0d968

The actual Cherie Currie.

On the death of a laptop.

Goodnight, sweet computer. You had a long, hard-working life. Sleep well.

[Pulls plug]

On education.

[Allie is reviewing an arts school application and is reading about the Dance Dept.]

“…All children study creative modern, theatrical jazz, and national dance. Ballet is an optional program.”

[Looks up in horror]

OPTIONAL BALLET????!?

On the night before school.

[Allie is laying out clothes before bedtime.]

By now, you see, most kids will have established a routine, and I want to do that, too.

On nutrition.

[Allie takes a bite of her bean salad…]

Ah, I can FEEL the protein surging!

On superheroes.

Mum, tomorrow on our walk, can we talk about the many limitations of Cyclops?

Sure!

…at length?

On mistakes.

Ugh! I am feeling wholly dysfunctional today.

On the work undone.

[It’s time to turn out the lights after bedtime reading. Allie sits up in her sleep and mumbles…]

I’ve been working on it… I’ve been working on it…

I know, buddy. you can rest now.

On future plans.

Mum. You know that I want to attend Cambridge University.

Yes.

I feel like I need to take some steps to make sure I get there. Would you help me with that?

Absolutely.

Do you have any advice for something specific I can do right now? It’s very important that I get started.

On swimming.

[Allie is getting into an unheated pool.]

[Sigh] I was really hoping for more of a controlled descent…

 

On Gilgamesh.

[Allie is about to begin her study of the Epic of Gilgamesh.]

So, kiddo – you get to read Gilamesh tomorrow!

Yeahhhhhh!

I mean, not the whole thing – it’s quite long.

Right. Obviously. IT IS AN EPIC, AFTER ALL. [Rolls eyes.]

On bananas.

Hello, banana-friend. In spite of your exterior, you do not have a single blemish inside your skin.

And now, I am going to eat you.

On multi-tasking.

I’m going to the bathroom to read my sonnet.

On the scientific method.

UGH!

I have queries, but no theories.

On Jeremy Irons.

[Upon discovering some casting details for Batman vs. Superman…]

But Jeremy Irons was Henry IV – WHAT is he doing in a DC movie?

On literature.

If I ever write a book, I will be sure to write one with an unhappy ending.

Oh! Why is that?

It will leave something for the sequel.