Mum, I couldn’t find The Fellowship of the Ring, may I read some P.G. Wodehouse instead?
Whither Earthlings
Allie in her own words.
On riddles
There are no words in the dictionary spelled incorrectly… Except, “incorrectly!”
On sleep-talking.
[I come in to turn out the light after bedtime reading. Allie sits bolt upright as I remove the book from her clutches.]
MARK WATNEY!
[Falls back asleep.]
On a sunny vacation.
Dear Dad,
I will miss you so much. I will take lots of pictures and come home with perfectly preserved skin.
Love,
Allie
On major compliments.
[Allie is looking at a photo of me from my punk rock days.]
Whoa. You look nice. Who are you, Cherie Currie?
The actual Cherie Currie.
On the death of a laptop.
Goodnight, sweet computer. You had a long, hard-working life. Sleep well.
[Pulls plug]
On education.
[Allie is reviewing an arts school application and is reading about the Dance Dept.]
“…All children study creative modern, theatrical jazz, and national dance. Ballet is an optional program.”
[Looks up in horror]
OPTIONAL BALLET????!?
On the night before school.
[Allie is laying out clothes before bedtime.]
By now, you see, most kids will have established a routine, and I want to do that, too.
On nutrition.
[Allie takes a bite of her bean salad…]
Ah, I can FEEL the protein surging!
On superheroes.
Mum, tomorrow on our walk, can we talk about the many limitations of Cyclops?
Sure!
…at length?
On mistakes.
Ugh! I am feeling wholly dysfunctional today.
On the work undone.
[It’s time to turn out the lights after bedtime reading. Allie sits up in her sleep and mumbles…]
I’ve been working on it… I’ve been working on it…
I know, buddy. you can rest now.
On future plans.
Mum. You know that I want to attend Cambridge University.
Yes.
I feel like I need to take some steps to make sure I get there. Would you help me with that?
Absolutely.
Do you have any advice for something specific I can do right now? It’s very important that I get started.
On swimming.
[Allie is getting into an unheated pool.]
[Sigh] I was really hoping for more of a controlled descent…
On Gilgamesh.
[Allie is about to begin her study of the Epic of Gilgamesh.]
So, kiddo – you get to read Gilamesh tomorrow!
Yeahhhhhh!
I mean, not the whole thing – it’s quite long.
Right. Obviously. IT IS AN EPIC, AFTER ALL. [Rolls eyes.]
On bananas.
Hello, banana-friend. In spite of your exterior, you do not have a single blemish inside your skin.
And now, I am going to eat you.
On multi-tasking.
I’m going to the bathroom to read my sonnet.
On the scientific method.
UGH!
I have queries, but no theories.
On Jeremy Irons.
[Upon discovering some casting details for Batman vs. Superman…]
But Jeremy Irons was Henry IV – WHAT is he doing in a DC movie?
On literature.
If I ever write a book, I will be sure to write one with an unhappy ending.
Oh! Why is that?
It will leave something for the sequel.
Whither Earthlings 